Life.. An unanswered Question!!

Life is very very uncertain. I mean no one actually knows what's coming in future we as human beings are very weak we surrender infront of our fate.. Now I know there are people who try to fight for their ownselves or their lives but they end up doing compromises on their pre decided fate one way or other.

This happened to me all the time I mean I  could brag all about myself claiming that I make my own decisions and I make my own destiny but that's so absurd of me probably idiotic too if I take a look at my past everything in my life was decided by someone sitting above the skies writing my future changing my situations, people around me, putting me through challenges. I thought I never had the power to confront any but they all passed and put down time to time.

This post isn't about me this is actually about a friend who just turned 17 couple of months ago and on my utmost request he went for blood donation the guy is very healthy very beautiful and lives a healthy life style there was absolutely no reason for me to know that he would be having any serious disease till the time blood reports came and he was been told that he is HIV positive.. Yes

Filthy truth he has a full life ahead of him but yet he is stuck with this thing for his life. His family doesn't really know but I wonder what'd happen when they'll know. This is what life does it changes everything in just a second and you can't really control anything leaving you very weak and vulnerable.

I'm there for him as a friend and trying to talk him through things but I'm helpless at a stage too. 

 However it's just a thought everyone no matter what age group or sexual orientation he falls in should get himself or herself tested so that he won't really play with other lives. 

We can be helpless for our misery but we can do things so that no one actually suffers through the misery we put them in.

Hugs!!

An opportunity

Couple of days ago I recieved a mail from a very famous school in USA of cullinary arts that I'm been selected in the class of 2015 for masters. I have never actually thought about this thing applying there was totally random tand now since I'm selected I don't know what to do next.

I asked my family and they want me to go live my dream and settle myself. America can be a ticket of success for me but if I go there's a high probability that I won't come back to Pakistan and settle there that means thousand of kilometres away from every relationship I've here in this country.

This opportunity makes me both happy and worried. I'm confused and I'm scared.

Let's see where this boat floats too..

Lost in Dark and it's an addiction

Over the years since I've started knowing my sexual orientation I've always condemned the part where one has to be gay and be all whore because sexual orientation has nothing to do with how one reacts to booty calls. I heard a friend once saying 'Since sex is becoming more easier to get love is becoming rare' and that is somehow very very realistic. 

This past year I've been experiencing things I've never actually had the privilege to do before the time. I've broken up with someone I've loved I've been in a dark phase where I've slept with a lot of people just to calm my body down and shut my emotions off. Well that did work atleast temporarily till the time when I started having regrets for whatever I've done. This year has however been a total surprise for me maybe because I got to know some of very very beautiful people who're now friends they don't judge but they always stand besides me.

Mid this year I opened up infront of my cousins and the wives of them (Bhabis) and they totally support me and we are close way better then we were before this. 

These past few days I've been in immense pressure because of the ongoing troubles in between me and my family. Seems Like they don't like me anymore or something like that. I least care about them on the other hand I don't want to screw my relation with the people who are close to me. I'm totally scared and hurt and lost basically.

Being all in this mess I've started talking to a guy 'Eros' who has been a great help for me and after years Im on the verge of finding the possibilities out. So that's something I'm not so sure about either there's this volcano of emotions running through my veins with anxiety, uncertainty and chill of horor. Maybe someday I'll find my way out.

Till then wish me luck guys hugs!!

New Life, new surprises

Lately, what happened was that I broke up with Aron. YES! WE DID. The most disguising thing ever expected to happen but sometimes you are just helpless inorder to make things according to you. Aron get married on the mid of the last month and we decided that we may never be able to cope up with his marital affairs and issues so i just said that its better for both of us to quit. Well it was definitely a very hard thing to accept and decision to made. However, we just did and i am glad that i could able to pass on the decision too. So, we broke up on some handsome terms. We are friends now, but like what sort of i still couldn't imagine of LOL!

We broke up i moved to karachi to have my part of space, I needed time to catch up myself which was lost in the myth of my x love story! I was extremely depressed and broken up, which ofcourse was visible. My friends in karachi understood the part and they got success in letting me understand of what is needed to be done and that was that i should move ON now, which was again a very difficult decision for me knowing that i have given up so much before. But i understood and followed up by having random formal dates. But i felt no connection with any of them. There was a best friend of mine i might have discussed him in few old posts

Missed Thailand but Loving Karachi!

So here it goes i was devastated i was ruined messed up badly due to some of very recent happenings of my life.. I thought to give a kick up to my life thus decided to do what i usually do in these times I packed my bags up tightened my laces and here i reached karachi by january 13th! Wow what a warm welcome it was so much happened these days!

Yum Yum LOL! The friends here threw me a gig here by placing a dinner in the honor of me in village, all these hangouts are making me live again!
I am once again a bitch and seriously i am loving my this old look of mine!
Now that things are going like awesome ill be posting about my trip, hangouts and dates ;)
with time!
Till then

cheers and hugs


Jazzy Khaan!

Miracle or Destiny

Well, this post is solely dedicated to all of the newbees in love or those ladies who have found that there love is one sided. Well it seems that i can sense all of the insecurities and all of the issues you been facing in this thing. Honestly speaking I have been through this time as well apparently 5 months ago. Now when you are stuck in this stage you need to know one thing before making any decission and that is "that are you seriously in love with that guy?" secondly "Would you be able to move on?" and one more thing do you have a crush on him or is it love? Make yourself cleared about it. Love and crush well there is no specific difference between it or atleast this is what my perception is but if I may say something here i would say if you are in a relationship and it's not based on sex and it covers your other parts of life and that you know each others family you cry for each other you can sacrifice for each other and like that than surely you are in love the more you deny it the more you would fall and fall so its better to just accept it!
Well coming to me i have discussed my love story in previous posts and many of the regular follower of this blog they already do know about the fluctuations and indifference i have faced in this particular love.


Umm let me discuss a very recent update i got in my relationship after waiting for 7 freagin' months. I was on a date with aron on last friday we wanted to watch movie "Twilight" with each other but the thing was it hasnt been launched in Pakistan till now.. Now that we decided that we should talk and clear our certain issues so yes we made it upto Jamin Java Cafe DHA Lahore. On the way to defence i decided not to drive so it was Aron who was driving so that was again a positive thing for me. I got few red roses for him especially for this date. I gave it to aron and i took it back and i started touching his lips and face with that rose showing him the romantic side of me. He was getting it doing this particular thing i just put my head on aron's lap and aron kept on driving the car in which we were was auto transmission so yes it was easy for him to control the car through one hand, i grabbed his hand and I started kissing it and playing with it. With that i asked him that Marry me. Be my Wife! He said I already am your wife jazzy <3
I smiled and looked in his eyes, now we were here in DHA we sat in cafe and was clearing our complaints I asked aron that if he wants he can leave and kick me out. He said jazzy you can also do the same i said i can never even think of doing it. Umm cleared the issues really well. Now it was aron who for the first time till now expressed how much place i have in his heart where do I stand in his life without me his life would be miserable or so! Knowing that aron is a scorpion and expressing his feelings is really not his cup of tea so yes it was something i wasnt expecting but i heard it! His each word was like a healing spell for my broken heart!


After sacrificing a lot, not expecting anything in return being loyal to him i got my love. But yes if you guys can handle yourself in this road full of jumps, sorrows and misseries you sure can win your love!

And if not you should leave because it will break you more and more. but i must say the results you get here are matchless!


So cheers and stay focused ladies!!

Hugs

thinking to do something crazy..

I have been busy in things like i never thought i would ever be able to go that busy anywhere in my life but yes I became one..

I have been thinking and thinking like as one of the cheapos that I should be doing something creative and something extravagant and i should be focusing on any issue related to society on which I can do work. So in that deep thinking session i was collaborating all of my thinking capabilities and inner self on a mutual platform to get over some social issue. As love for Human rights is one of the thing which has taken and grown over me Insanely during all those years since i was a kid of merely 4 year old.. I love been an activist and doing or participating in the reason of becoming any sort of positive relation or change in society..

I have already done a research project on "Prostitutes  In Pakistan" back in late 2010 and on that research report a US based NGO started working in Pakistan for the welfare of those women who wanted to start there life by a new beginning and wanted to quit from this prostitute related work. Well I was really not alone whole team of HR commission was there to guide me, I had chosen that topic to work upon because i always thought that this is one sensitive topic people dont like to touch because of some of our cultural and maulana barriers. I faced many issues on working on this platform but yes i coped up well from them.

Now putting my Past experiences on one hand and an inspiration to do something untouched once again i asked one of my female friend whom i am open about my sexual orientation that on which topic i should work upon. She said "Are you up for some real messy fun?" I on a glance replied to her "*&#@ Yeah and what is going in your mind i can smell something is fishy here"  She said "Work on LGBT rights in Pakistan this is one right time for you to work on it or at least think on doing some work on it" I considering the fact that she happens to be straight and I mean she is a girl as well how would she think like that but inner me i loved that idea i told her "that YES i am gonna work on it but how would i do that there are People who are already working on that how would I make any difference in that, how can I make my idea unique in this so clustering phase of homosexuality" She replied that " You are good at writing, Write aware people teach 'em"
 
I took that as an idea to start with I asked few of my very close queer friends of mine that what do they think. Majority of them proposed me to write a story of my love life and focusing on some of the social issues among it I should make a movie on it or a play but make it on an artisitic approach, I started writing and i am still doing it. I met few people Ofcourse from my community and I asked them that what do they is there any possibility for me to give my idea or thinking a physical shape all of them already loved the idea because almost majority of us usually face the same dramatic issues likewise or so.. But they also warned me on the consequences or so and the consequences were more than practical too..

1. Even if I be able to write a story make a script how would i convince a producer to work on it? How would i bear the criticism on this movie? Would critics allow cinemas to put this movie on Air?
Funds? Actors? Duh

2. If I make a Play on it which is more feasible btw.. Still than i could face severe critism not only social pressure my family can leave me on knowing that i am doing things for LGBT rights most probably i can be sued in court for spreading this vulgarity or atleast thats what people would call this awareness to be.. And the list keeps going on.
Moreover who would fund it.. and who would support this messy thing?

3. I can write a book on it but i left that option already because in Pakistan people are not so fond of reading and spending on books and again i can face lawsuit on writing on major sensitive issue..

I am starting from scratch and yes i know one thing i wanna do work on this issue that is what i am sure upon i agree on buying all the issues too. There are people who are far more higher in both age and experience from me and i want them to advice me as much as they can and i want them to help me out in this particular thing!

With this Jazzy signing off till the next time!